journal and stories
my journal and my life stories
here you will find entries i decide to write on whichever given day, along with various stories from the past that i wish to share or that will help you understand my brain.
its also, in some strange way, a way to show you you arent alone with these thoughts
that being said proceed with caution
omg guys 2020! and 22 into 2020, haha cool.
all i DID wanna say was army of me by bjork go listen, but then i kinda realized i havent updated yall in 2020! its alright. im depressed what else is new but i started therapy with a new therapist so theres a chance i can get more answers to myself.
i planned on trying to me mor ehonest and open, even if it was just with my new therapist. so this little vent corner will actually work quite well. we shall see.
well thats all for now Kisses xoxo
good evening ladies and gents
I checked my sites traffic stats and there's 112 unique hits? I mean i dunno if thats accurate but I think it's kinda cool that this lil corner of the internet and my madness is being shared with maybe 100 people. so if you're reading this, sing my guestbook. Tell em oh danny boy sent ya.
So I had to send in my topic prosal for my final paper in english. It's a research paper and I proposed I write about Freddie Mercury and his impact on the music industry and the HIV/AIDS epidemic. It should prolly get approved but ya never know
oh but I'm also kinda really pissed cause I came home today to my lock on my lockbox of bud being busted by my g r e a t sister. Took everything in me to not hunk it at her face. I digress.
Gonna go angry blog now. Kisses xoxo
So I was a little hesitant to write about alot of the shit I thought about because I felt it would really reveal who I am to whoever. However, the chance that someone who knows me comes across this page knows who I truly am is very slim, and that I'm probably just being paranoid.
So with that, I can't remember (and can't be bothered to go and check) if I said anything about how I plan on minoring in psychology. It gives me a reason to learn about myself since I'm uhhhhh a confusing case for some doctors. And I've certainly learned many many many fascinating things just from my into to psych class alone. I highly recommend if you get the chance to take an intro to psych class, to take it. It's like a class of life hacks. So I've wanted to write about some of the things.Today's lesson seemed perfect. It's about happiness vs stress, which I know is shit we've all been through and easy to understand. So I made a seperate page for my psychology notes so you can check that there
I just watched a man shoot his brains out. Why? dunno, i was curious. Usually it doesn't bother me.
but this one, I can feel something in my throat like I'm about to puke. Guess it comes with the territory
guess who's been downspiraling but also upspiraling lol! i don't even know where to begin with my brain lately. it's been okay, but i've also maybe been a little indenial? im not too sure honestly. I'm not doing any worse than I have previosuly but it's definitely different.
so my 1 year anniversary of being hospitalized passed recently. Which means alot of one year anniversaries are coming up. Starting IOP, being on delciious delicous P R O Z A C, and more. Funny cause I haven't been to therapy in months!! And surprisingly it hasn't been too bad. It's just strange but I had a weird set of emotions after my last update. I said I was in love, and I was, and the results of that had me downspiral. WHich turned into a bit of hypomania. Lots of reckless flirting and sex and getting drunk and doing stupid shit. Hell, I left ther state without telling anyone where I was going. It was fun though so oh well.
at some point I determined that I'm likely going to turn into some type of drug addict or serial killer or hermit living in the middle of nowhere. I came to this conclusion because I've been watching a shit ton of things on true crime and keep finding similarities. Now I ain't saying im bouta go out and murder someone so don't sit here and be all omg woah she needs help (well i mean i know i do but thats besides the point). I just keep finding all these similarities.
oh also sine starting university, I've found i'm increasingly different and stranger than those im surrounded by. I'm not trying to pull the "quirky im not like other girls" card. But I'm sure you all can understand that it's not exactly normal or common to be all obsessed with blood and gore and mental illness and torture and true crime and occultism and all that fun jazz you can find around my page. Usually I'm extremely open about my mental illness because i do believe it helps educate and break down the stigmas. But I've found myself holding back alot more of my true self as to not come off too strong. I definitely still walk around campus in the all black and fun and weird accesories with in your face makeup. But I try not to delve too much into alot of personal shit.
Now speaking of university, lets dig deeper into that. I think it has for sure been better for my mental health compared to high school. I get to wake up at 8, learn about shit I actually enjoy (Im a business student minoring in psychology which is absoultely amazing), and oh the free will! I get to fucking piss whenever I want without having to ask the professor! WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT OMG!!!! Its also really fun exploring the campus in free time cause i'm a god damn adult and I can go wherever I want. Amazing how we treat high school students like cattle. But on the contrary, it can be stressful. Im an honors student and have to maintain a 3.5 GPA (which I have to do regardless for my scholarship) and that's a bit hard to do with my mental illness sometimes. I have a 504 program in high school that helped me with this. But I often completely forget about assignments to do (my dissociation does this alot) and forgetting isn't really an excuse in college. Or there's times when I just mentally can not handle completely an assignment in a timely manner. For example, I had a page of class work to do in my stats class and I kept trying to read and process the question but my brain, having been having a really bad day in terms of depression and anxiety, just couldn't. Or I could talk about the whole education vs mental health being a priority debate. If I focus more on my mental health, my grades drop (I can only handle so much at once, look into Spoon Theory), thus giving my mental health more of a reason to attack. Or I focus on my education and sacrifice my mental health for the sake of a good grade. I keep questioning if school is right for me and if I should drop out before wasting more money. But everyone is telling me it's my first semester, I'm still getting the hang of things and it'll get better. I hope they're right.
I got a job at school since I had to stop my old job due to scheduling. So I'm a social media assitant for one of the departments here. I design and manage their social media accounts which is super fun and easy so. But it's a significant downgrade in hours and payment so feeding my marijuana addictions is difficult and I keep being tempted to just start selling my nudes cause im sexually provacative so why not monetize it? i dunno, i'm still figuring everything out.
So I've been clean from cutting for almost 2 years now but I defintiely haven't stopped self harm. Recently, I've dug chunks out of my skin, I bruise myself alot too. And of course I'm consistently getting drunk and high. (Drunk only on the weekends as if thats better). I haven't been seeing a therapist cause I had not stop seeing my old one and haven't gone to a new one. But for my physician to keep prescribing my meds I need to be getting therap and so I'll be going back soon hopefully
I'm not really sure what else to update yall on. But I've been listenign to Bjork and I highly reccommend.
Imma look into updating other parts of the site now.
Set the scene tate, set the fucking scene. its 4:56pm. it's fucking friday.
i started college this week. I started this past monday.
im a business student now. and god it's been an absolute wildly emotional ride throughout summer. What else would I expect.
Normal Fucking Rockwell came out today and of course I absolutely adore Lana so im listening to the titular track right now. it's lovely. I started listening to it earlier today between a break in my classes. but lets start from the beginning of the summer. or I guess around when I last had a laptop to be able to type and do any relatively decent html on. which was actually a hot minute after my update in may. damn ew, shit feels like yeterday.
I've been camping in vermont a few times and there is just so much wild shit going on with that but i think i prefer not to talk to that besides mention that vermont and the trees has become so very important to me :) and as a witch, its beautiful.
but i.... i think i kinda fell in love. after I graduated. oh yeah I graduated high school thats probably a good thing to mention... but i kinda then also
got my heart lowkey crushed and ripped into pieces hahahah oh well.
look here's the thing let me explain. I usually wouldn't do that. well i used to but i had learned how not the do that. but then i took a loooong break from dating to deal with myself and my mental health and then a super special person came around and i think i almost just forgot how to properly be in a relationship. and kinda forgot that i have to work so hard to go about normally that it's hard to see when it's too much ?? if that makes sense.
thats what happened until about mid summer and from there of COURSE I downspiraled into weird pits and waves of depression and anxieties and ptsd flashbacks (mmmm delicious yummy) theorized i might have borderline personality disorder(i mentioned this to my therapist and said that im not diagnosing myself but this sounds like its on the right track, but she really tried shutting it down :/....) smoked A L O T of weed, spent most of the time of the summer in my room high as hot shit, or working a job I kinda hate?
so i guess it feels kinda good to be back on somewhat of a schedule with university...
it's a little bit better to deal with because its still freeing enough that i dont feel like im choking, but its not easy enough that i can get away with not being okay and slip through the cracks??? thats why im back to being able to have a laptop to do html on. I got a new one cause i kinda needed a nerw one for classes. textbooks are mainly online nowadays anyways.
the whole thing is kinda a fresh breath from the heartbreak and just pretty broken human that i was being over break. i dunno i guess we'll see.
thats all i feel like writing for now. i wanna gop update other parts of the site.
i know i'll write some entries talking about specific events. its gucci.
its been awhile. so muvh has happened that i want to update yall on.
im typing this from my phone haha
but im high as fuck. fickle fuck. and im so tired. been awake since 4. dunno why.
time to test how good this works for a diary. maybe ill add to he image gallery later.
i've been doing okay. not the greatest but not the worst. been having these washes of stress and anxiety but thats nothing new.
been talking to some guys. haven't been in a relationship in over a year.
not sure how they work anymore
i want to puke and rip my organs out its painful
i cant breath
my first offical entry here, all things considered.
i must say starting this website and going through the processes of learning html and web design is very theraputic and rewarding. its nice to learn something and then control what you wish to see, and then you SEE it work. Im not the best obviously (i plan to set up an email button, so if anyone reading this wants to give me tips, or just talk to me, you can do so).
May is mental health awareness month and of course it's only fitting that i have weird breakdowns throughout the day. sometimes i just want to scream bloody murder and peel my skin off. sometimes i wonder whats under my skin and what it looks like. maybe thats one of the reasons i self harmed (a year and a few months clean now). frankly, now that i think of it, it is. i loved the look of seeing my skin open and the blood dripping around and about it. the way it opens, and so easily. thankfully i dont need that anymore. but i youre ever curious how flesh opens when you cut it open, just watch someone score bread dough with a razor. it's so eerily similar that its actually kinda triggering.
today hasn't been terrible. im drained, full of stress, and constantly finding myself dissociating. i felt empty, hollow, like a shell of myself, all day long. not quite there. prop a corpse on a stick and make it talk and thats what it felt like. perhaps it didnt help that somewhat earlier in the day, a friend of mine showed me a video of an abuser (we both had relationships with him and bond from the trauma). usually it wouldnt bother me but today it affected me in a different way. we may never know.
in the meantime ive been listening to sea shanties.
i have no fucking clue why.
go back home angel